The following article is meant to be humorous and satirical, specifically for April Fools’ Day.
Please do not take it seriously or as investment advice.
But please enjoy them!
April 1, 2023 Edition
Happy April Fools’ Day!
FAKE BREAKING APRIL FOOLS’ NEWS:
Investing in Air is the New Meme Stock!
Move over meme stocks, SPATs, and cryptocurrencies, there is a new asset that is making new millionaires daily.
The investment is air.
Air is the latest and most significant investment opportunity that’s taking the U.S. and the world by storm.
With rising pollution levels and climate change threatening our very existence, the demand for clean air has never been higher. And savvy investors are capitalizing on this trend by buying up as much air as they can get their hands on.
Some of the wealthiest names worldwide are jumping on the air fad. Billionaire Elon Musk has reportedly invested billions in a start-up that collects and bottles fresh air from remote locations worldwide. Meanwhile, rumors suggest that Warren Buffett to be in talks with the Chinese government to purchase the exclusive rights to the country’s cleanest air.
Investing in air cannot be easier. It is as simple as buying a jar, filling it with air, and holding on to it until the price increases. “I bought this jar a year ago for $2.14, and I filled it with air from the roof of my apartment building. Today I can fetch $43,000 on the spot air market, but I will wait until it hits six figures,” said novice air investor Doris A. Jar.
However, Doris cautions not to use coffee cans. “I started with coffee cans only to find all the air had escaped a month later.”
Some critics have called the air investment craze a bubble waiting to burst. “This is ridiculous. You can not own air,” says environmental activist Willow Green. “We need to focus on reducing pollution and protecting our environment, not turning it into a commodity to be bought and sold.”
But air investors are undeterred. They see the potential for massive profits in the air market and are willing to take the risk. As one air investor said, “If you are not investing in air, you’re missing out on the biggest opportunity of your lifetime.”
FAKE BREAKING APRIL FOOLS’ NEWS:
The Surprising Benefits of Investing in Old Mutual Fund Prospectuses!
If you are tired of the same old boring investment options like stocks, bonds, and mutual funds, it’s time to consider a truly revolutionary approach to asset allocation.
We are discussing the surprising benefits of investing in old mutual fund prospectuses.
At first glance, you might be skeptical. After all, aren’t these silly fads like investing in meme stocks, SPATs, and, more recently, air?
Old mutual fund prospectuses have much to offer the savvy investor.
First of all, these assets are entirely immune to market fluctuations. While stocks and bonds can be affected by everything from economic downturns to political unrest, old mutual fund prospectuses are entirely insulated from these external factors. Plus, they’re extremely easy to store and transport, which makes them an ideal choice for those who value portability in their portfolios. You can easier fit 50 years of old mutual fund prospectuses in a high school locker for inexpensive safekeeping.
But that’s not all. These assets also have a high potential for appreciation. “For years, I would throw my mutual funds prospectuses away without opening the envelope. While Dunham does not encourage anyone to do this, this practice created a rare commodity; a saved prospectus by the investor.
Of course, like any investment, there are risks involved. For example, you’ll need to be careful to avoid counterfeit old mutual fund prospectuses and stay away from those expensive B shares class mutual fund prospectuses.
You must put in the time and effort to build your collection, which can require hours of scouring garage sales and flea markets. But for those who are willing to take the plunge, the rewards can be truly incredible.
If you’re looking for a bold new approach to asset allocation, why not consider the exciting world of old mutual fund prospectuses? Who knows, you might end up with a portfolio that’s the envy of all your friends.
BREAKING APRIL FOOLS’ NEWS:
The Horse is Back for Environmentally Friendly Transportation!
In a stunning turn of events, the horse has made a comeback as the newest trend in eco-friendly transportation, replacing EV and hybrid vehicles.
According to experts, the horse is the most sustainable mode of transportation available today, with zero carbon emissions and the ability to run on renewable resources like hay and grass. Plus, they’re cute, making them the perfect addition to any environmentally-conscious lifestyle.
This trend has spurred several new start-ups, including a new ride-share app called “Lift.” Lift connects horse owners with riders in need of a lift. Just hop on the app, enter your destination, and a friendly horse owner will come galloping to your doorstep in no time, lift you onto their saddle, and off you go!
Of course, there are a few downsides to using horses for transportation - like the giant pooper scooper you need to buy. But let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to spend their mornings brushing and braiding their trusty steed’s mane rather than plugging and unplugging their EV?
So get ready to ditch your gas-guzzling cars and saddle up to a horse – it is the eco-friendly and adorable way to get around town.
FAKE BREAKING APRIL FOOLS’ NEWS:
Penny Becomes the Latest Cryptocurrency Craze!
The United States Treasury has announced that the humble penny will now be recognized as a legitimate cryptocurrency, sending shockwaves through the financial world.
According to the Treasury, the penny - which has long been a staple of loose change and piggy banks everywhere - will now be given a digital makeover, complete with blockchain technology and a new name: “PennyCoin” which is said to be more valuable than Bitcoin, Ethereum, and all other cryptocurrencies combined.
“The PennyCoin is incredibly easy to use.’” said Secretary of Treasury Janet Yellen, “Instead of complicated mining processes and lengthy transactions, all you need to do to buy and sell PennyCoins is reach into your pocket and grab a handful of change.”
But that’s not all. The Treasury has also announced that all existing pennies will be retroactively converted into PennyCoins, giving millions of Americans an instant fortune.
“I can’t believe it,” said Wlima Wigglesworth, a retiree from Ohio who discovered she was now a millionaire thanks to her old jar of pennies. “I always knew those little copper coins would pay off someday!”
So what are you waiting for? Grab your loose change, download the PennyCoin app, and get ready to join the cryptocurrency revolution!
FAKE BREAKING APRIL FOOL' NEWS:
The New York Stock Exchange will be converted into luxury condominiums!
The New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) has announced that it will be converted into a luxury condominium complex featuring state-of-the-art amenities such as a rooftop pool, a fitness center, and a gourmet restaurant.
Each unit will also come equipped with its own personal trading floor, allowing residents to keep a close eye on their investments while enjoying the luxurious surroundings.
The decision to convert the NYSE into a condominium has sparked outrage among some investors, who feel that the move is a betrayal of the exchange’s core values. “This is an absolute disgrace,” said one anonymous trader. “The NYSE has been the heart of global finance for over a century, and now they want to turn it into a playground for the rich and famous? It’s a travesty.”
The NYSE set April 1, 2024, to begin the conversion, which has led some skeptics to question whether the announcement is simply an elaborate April Fool’s Day prank. However, the NYSE has assured investors that the project is very much real and that construction will begin.
Not to be outdone, in a bold move, the Nasdaq Exchange located at 4 Times Square (43rd & Broadway), New York City, said it is converting to a new luxury apartment complex exclusively for pets. Dubbed by Nasdaq officials as “Petopia” it promises to revolutionize how we think about pet ownership.
Petopia will offer complete grooming services, including facials, massage, and even aromatherapy. The private screening room features classic animal films like “101 Dalmatians” and Homeward Bound and new releases like “The Secret Life of Pets 3.”
Construction on the new condos and the apartments is set to begin on April 1, 2024, with occupancy expected in the spring of 2026.
FAKE BREAKING APRIL FOOLS’ NEWS:
Fed Chairman Jerome Powell leaves the financial press in stitches!
In a bizarre attempt at humor, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, in a speech to reporters, used the word “transitory” fifty times - once for each state in the union.
The speech, meant to address the current state of the economy, quickly turned into a comedic routine that left reporters and Fed officials rolling in the aisles in loud laughter.
As Powell droned on about inflation and interest rates, he peppered his remarks with the word “transitory” to an absurd degree.
At first, the audience tried to stay polite and engaged. But as Powell continued to use the word repeatedly, their reactions shifted from polite nods to outright laughter. Some in attendance began creating a bingo card with “transitory” in every square while others engaged in a drinking game with the tiny liquor bottles the reporters stole from their hotel room.
The real kicker, however, came when Powell used “transitory” to describe a completely unrelated topic - the weather. “I know it’s cold outside, but rest assured, it’s only transitory,” he quipped, sending the room into hysterics.
As the conference wrapped up, reporters rushed to interview Powell and get his take on the unusual use of the word. “It was just a bit of fun,” he said with a chuckle. “I thought it would be funny to say ‘transitory’ fifty times, once for each state. I guess I got carried away!”
Despite the initial confusion, many have praised Powell for injecting some levity into a typically dry subject. “I never thought I’d say this about an economic speech, but that was hilarious,” said one reporter. “Transitory will never be the same again!”
Whether Powell’s speech will have any lasting impact on economic policy remains to be seen. But one thing is sure - the word “transitory” will forever be associated with one of the most memorable speeches on the economy in recent history.
We hope you enjoyed our fake April Fools’ news and we were able to add one or two smiles to your day.
This communication is general in nature and provided for educational and informational purposes only. It should not be considered or relied upon as legal, tax, or investment advice or an investment recommendation, or as a substitute for legal counsel. Any investment products or services named herein are for illustrative purposes only and should not be considered an offer to buy or sell, or an investment recommendation for, any specific security, strategy, or investment product or service. Always consult a qualified professional or your own independent financial professional for personalized advice or investment recommendations tailored to your specific goals, individual situation, and risk tolerance.
Dunham & Associates Investment Counsel, Inc. is a Registered Investment Adviser and Broker/Dealer. Member FINRA/SIPC.
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