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President Trump, on Friday March 27, 2020, signed a massive $2 trillion emergency spending bill into law which promises to deliver cash to individual Americans, aid for businesses and health care facilities, and create programs to help Americans economically hit hard from the Coronavirus pandemic.

Vowing not to be defeated by the Coronavirus, moments ago, the government unveiled a major historic program that will allow them to begin paying for this program.

Invoking the Defense Production Act (DPA), the government assumed powers to requisition and then announced the sale of the contracts of Lebron James, Kawhi Leonard, and Stephen Curry to the Chinese Basketball Association (CBA), for $35 million.

China’s president, Xi Jinping was delighted by this news, saying, “Duìyú zhōngguó hé zhōngguó rénmín lái shuō, zhè shì yīgè lìshǐ xìng shíkè. Dāngrán, zhè sān míng qiúyuán dōu jiāng jiārù wǒ zuì xǐhuān de qiú duì”.

Also invoking the DPA, the government has confiscated the five Grammys won by Billie Eilish, which will be auctioned to anyone ever nominated for a Grammy who did not win. Concerned the government will appear like the “Bad Guy” an official said her Grammys could fetch as much as $7 million. It is rumored the President is also eyeing the four Oscars won by the movie Parasite.

Austerity will also be part of the government’s program as avocado toast is now officially banned for millennials on the White House staff.

Further, under this program aimed at raising the full $2 trillion of aid, a spokesperson announced that the government would be turning the famed Area 51 into an Airbnb. “This is a wonderful place for a family vacation”, the spokesperson said, “and I do not mean a great family vacation spot only for humans, if you know what I mean,” she said as she slyly winked to reporters.

When asked what other programs the government was planning, the spokesperson said, “I hope you like lemonade, and not just Beyoncé’s album. Watch for a slew of government-run lemonade stands popping up in communities near you!”

Happy April Fools’ Day

Let’s Take a Moment to Smile

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